The dispute between the State of California and a group of Malibu residents regarding the restoration of the Malibu Lagoon is the latest land-use dispute in this city which occupies – apt word! – a coveted, 30-mile stretch of coastline in Los Angeles County. To the outward eye, the issue appears to center on the state's desire to restore a degraded wetlands area vs. the concerns of local surfers who are fretting about the fate of the legendary point break at Surfrider Beach.
Those surfers believe that the State Parks Department's restoration work, which involves draining polluted water and dredging sediment from a restored wetlands, might somehow ruin their surfing, even though the lagoon is separated from the ocean by an earthen dam. In other words, to the uninformed eye, this case could easily be mistaken as the old canard of Malibu residents opposing any intrusion by "outsiders," such as state environmental agencies and other bandits.
Nothing could be further from the truth. In reality, the residents of Malibu are actually protecting us all from harm, God forbid.
Never before has this been revealed publicly: Malibu residents base their actions on the Kabbala, the ancient mystical tradition.
The truth is – and I tremble as I write these words -- the Malibu coast, famed for sunshine and sparkling blue water, is actually a place of metaphysical evil. We learn this from Zephaniah, Chapter 2, Verse 5: "Woe to the inhabitants of the seacoast … land of the Philistines." We know that Malibu is the home of the Philistines, because of the high number of local residents who work in the entertainment industry.
In our ignorance, Californians have wrongly criticized Malibu residents for being piggish and exclusionary. Like blind people, we have excoriated the selflessness of home owners—such as David Geffen and Barbara Streisand—who have attempted to keep non-Malibuans from accessing the coast, or even parking their cars in the city. May Heaven forgive our ingratitude! Malibu residents are simply shielding us from the bad magic of an accursed sea coast. (The pious are advised to spit three times, at the very mention of the place.)
So conscientious are the Kabbalists of Malibu, in fact, that they have been known to chase away self-described "swimmers" who are "legally" enjoying what they naively refer to as "public" waters, especially those of Broad Beach, where rent-a-cops on Four-Runners keep the masses at bay. And to think that some of these so-called "by-right bathers" actually complain, mind you, about the "harassment" they receive at the hands at the blessed guardians of Malibu's private beaches! As my dad used to say, "no good deed goes unpunished."
When the state wildlife service brings its bulldozers to Malibu lagoon this month, nothing less than a cataclysm could be the result. Remember those billboards last year that publicized the end of the world on particular dates? Those were the originally scheduled start dates for the lagoon work! Just let that sink in for a minute.
The Kabbalistic message is clear: Stay away from Malibu, you sheepish masses! It's bad for you. Trust me on this one, OK?
One last thing: Every person who reads this article and has access to social media should tweet about it. This act will ensure good health and prosperity for the rest of your life. A 49-year-old school teacher in Michigan who tweeted an earlier article of mine on this very website won $7 million from the state lottery shortly after. If you fail to tweet this article, unfortunately, things just might go badly for you. I don't want to say any more. Like I said, trust me. Have I ever lied to you?